An innocent trip to a Pacific
Oceanside beach resulted in a sunburn that would scare even the hardiest of
souls. So much so that I had to cover my legs on the way home for fear of
offending anyone who caught a glimpse of my radiant jambes. Despite
the taut and restricting pain of my reddened skin, my suffering was to pay off;
I was about to peel…
19. Everyone loves a good peel. Don’t
deny it, you know you do. The more you contest it, the more I know you’re
lying. Peeling is one of the singular most satisfying things to do. Let no man
deny another the joy of a good peel; t’would be selfish to do so.
18. Just as with Pringles, once you
pop you just cannot stop. Not that popping has much to do with it, but not
stopping has everything to do with it. Once you get that smooth clean action
going, I challenge any man to be drawn away from it. Even the greatest
temptation will be but the smallest speck of dust on the slightly larger speck
of insignificant dust that falls on your nose without you even realising.
17. This hypnotic effect makes you
miss your train. Woops.
16. As you are drawn into the peel,
one is reminded of the heady days of school art lessons, when PVA glue became a
very satisfying substitute for peeling skin once spread thinly on the hand and
left to dry.
15. Once in the ‘peel zone’ you
discover that there are, in fact, many different kinds of peel. Let me fill you
in…
14. The long and thin kind
13. The wide and expanding kind
12. The noisy kind
11. The little and bitty kind
10. The scaly kind
9. The double
peel: now
the others are fairly self-explanatory BUT the double peel is a recent
discovery, and I presume only surfaces in those more savage burns. Naturally,
this meant double the satisfaction. Pain really is worth it sometimes.
8. The
showering effect:
An innocent shower leads to the most promising and satisfying peel. Possibly
the best preparation if you have no other plans for the day and are content
with sitting in your pants with a bin as your closest companion.
7. Sitting in your pants = sitting
on your own. Peeling is not the most sociable of tasks. Conversation peters out
and all you can think is ‘how big can I get this bit to get before it breaks
off?’
6. Whilst sat on your own, in your
pants, peeling yourself, there isn’t much else that can make you feel more
pathetic and slightly revolting than you already do…that is, until the thought ‘how
gross would it be to lick this…?’ crosses your mind. SAFE TO SAY it was a
passing thought, though don’t deny that it’s sped through your mind as well. We’re
all a bit revolting really.
5. I’ve peeled in places I never
knew I could. Hello ear.
4. No matter how much moisturiser or
aloe vera you use, the peel is relentless. If it wants to be peeled,
it shall be peeled. No way to stop it, so it brace it, dear friend.
3. Despite having mentioned
that peeling is an activity that forces the best of us to our bedroom floor sat
in our pants, peeling can also be very successful with a peeling buddy or two.
Referring back to point 5 ‘I’ve peeled in places I never knew I could’, sometimes
it is crucial to have someone there for those difficult little nooks. Obviously,
asking the person sat next to you on the train isn’t the best idea.
2. As I write this blog, I am still
peeling. That means my peeling episode has lasted fourteen whole days. I’m sure
that’s Guinness Book of Records worthy. Surely?
1. Now a note of caution.
Peeling is not a public activity. As much as it is hypnotic, fun with others,
and everyone secretly loves it, please do not attack a peel in public, however
tempting it is. This isn’t just a culture thing, it’s a pretending not a to be
a revolting person thing.
So, I bid you adieu, and happy
peeling. Get that PVA out.
