My last entry
veered ever so slightly away from the whole point of this blog, and so I shall
endeavour to get back on track and discuss the matter in hand – Japan (AKA
Japland). Now I would like you to recall any foreign language lessons that you
may have attended, mine is French. Mrs. Bedson was the fuel behind my A grade
French GSCE, not that I’m one to brag…We all remember those shopping lessons ou est les bananes s’il vous plait? If
only I’d had the same lesson in Japanese before embarking on my weekly food
shop…
18.
My first Japanese food shop took a hideously long time to do. Fruit and veg was
relatively self explanatory, but it was the sugar and salt that presented the
greatest challenge. After what felt like half an hour of careful deliberation,
I decided, according to the size and shape of granule, which was which. I WAS
RIGHT. For future reference, folks, salt is slightly smaller and smoother. (not taking into
account rock salt, caster sugar, or icing sugar)
17.
Another pair of superficially identically twinned condiments: oil and vinegar. Another
half hour flew by, and this time my careful decision process relied on recognizing
the thickness of the liquids in question. Feeling confident and full of bravado
after my ‘sugar-high’, I made my decision. I was wrong.
It would seem that cooking chicken in vinegar tastes rather
odd…
16.
After 3 hours of the most confusing shopping experience and with no one coming
to your aid as they should for such a damsel in distress, you arrive at the
till. A word of caution, DO NOT try and offer to use your own bags. Say no to a
plastic bag and the reaction will be as if you have just put salt in their tea
and cooked their food in vinegar whilst slowly carving away at their leg with a
set of western style cutlery.
15.
Staying on the bag topic, the Japs have got one thing right, a separate area
for packing your goods. None of this
waiting-for-the-person-in-front-of-you-to-finish-packing-their-17-cans-of-tuna-before-you-can-be-served
nonsense. Here, you have everything put through the till, back in your basket, you
pay and away to the separate packing table it is with you, fully equipped with
sellotape, spare bags and handy bits of spare paper for those more delicate
items.
14.
That ‘self packing area’ is only in food shops. When it comes to all your other
luxury items, well, well, it would not be decent to walk around with an open
plastic bag, now
would it? You must leave with a tiny bit of plastic joining it together at the
top. God forbid anyone should see what kind of saucy knitwear you may have just
bought.
13.
There is an unhealthy amount of department stores, at least two per train
station. Once you enter, you’ll be lucky to leave in one piece and without
buying a pair of novelty socks. It’s as if you’ve entered the labyrinth of a
slightly smarter looking east London market, but inside a building. Beware of
the shop assistants.
12.
As soon as you walk into any shop, your ears start to ring. There are two
reasons for this:
11.
Reason number 1 – It would seem that according to Japanese law, all shop
keepers must have a very nasal and very high pitched voice, reminiscent of Joe
Pasquale on prozac. There’s a reason dogs aren’t allowed in.
10.
Reason number 2 – The sheer volume capability of these seemingly coy, cute and petite
shop keepers is alarming. Nurses are on standby for those inevitable ear
bleeding related emergencies.
9.
This shouting is supposed to be a way to lure you in to their dens. Japanese
shop keepers are probably the most forcefully polite people I have ever met.
Anytime anyone walks into their shop a chorus of shop assistants break out into
song.
8.
But perhaps there is a legitimate need for all this earsplitting shouting. I
often have difficulty working out whether or not some places are shops. Shop
look like houses, and houses can often look like shops…
7.
One shop that isn’t hard to spot is IKEA. Do not fret, dear friends, it’s
exactly the same. I do love a good meatball.
6.
Despite the excessive number of department stores, the number of convenience
stores easily quadruples them.
5.
I will say this for the Japanese, they are damn good at queuing…perhaps so good
that they’re at risk of stealing Britain’s closely guarded ‘best queue-er’
award.
4.
Once at the end of the queue at one of the 3,498,386,112 convenience stores
Japan boasts, and having had my lunch put through the till, the assumption game
begins. ‘You can use chopsticks?! Are you sure you don’t want a fork instead?’
I’ll show you what I can do with chopsticks, madam.
3.
The excellent thing about our local convenience stores, is that the majority of
them are open 24/7. Not the case with all other shops. It would seem that shop
keepers here enjoy a good lie in and don’t often open until 10 or 11 am. Nice
and easy does it.
2.
Once in one of these tardy shops, the world of luxury items is your oyster. But
the next challenge is trying things on. Once you’ve worked out where the
changing rooms actually are, there are a couple of crucials that you must abide
to so as not to offend the whole nation. TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF. Ah! OK! I’m
sorry! Done. Next, cover your head with a silly looking, slightly see-through,
paper bag. The idea is that you protect the clothes from the gallons of makeup
you must be wearing. Sorry, but I’m just not going to fall for that one. There’s
clearly some sort of reality TV show here that secretly films those foreigners
who fall for the trick, put on the silly looking, slightly see-through, paper
bag, then fall over whilst trying on a pair of trousers that clearly won’t fit
because they have become a giant in the land of tiny people.
1.
Finally, after you’ve worked out which is the salt, nursed your ears back to
health and fallen over trying on tiny trousers with a bag on your head, it’s
time to pay. Don’t even bother trying to pay with your card. It’s a completely
cash based society here. So, now it’s completely fine to go around with wads of
cash on your person. Feel like a proper gangster now don’t you?
So,
there it is, shopping in Japan. What have we learnt? Don’t put that bag on your
head…that is unless it’ll protect your ears.
