20. I’m a foreigner, an ethnic minority for the first time. Everyone here is Japanese. Sounds stupid, but it’s true. There are so few foreigners here, and it’s made even more noticeable by the way everyone behaves, including me. Differences between being Japanese and being a foreigner include: talking on the train - just don’t do it; being stared at, and staring yourself – I’ve found many a native openly stare at me, but then again, I stare at them…especially when they fall asleep on the train. I also join in with staring at other foreigners, especially foreigners who aren’t my friends. These folks are so few and far between (and no, that’s not just down to how ridiculously popular I am) so when you do stumble across another ‘gaijin’ I cannot help but stare, smile, and hope for acknowledgement. More often than not my advances are not reciprocated; perhaps my efforts will crumble as I become more and more Japanese. Another crucial difference: I am white. This became obvious after a small trip to the beach.
19. Driving. As a driver it has struck me that the Japanese are the slowest, most defensive drivers known to man. Except when they constantly run red lights and hit cyclists. However, even these normally hazardous actions are done so very slowly that even the slowest snail would be able to overtake these ‘naughty’ Japanese drivers.
18. From driving to cycling. Everyone does it. And everyone breaks the law, but it’s ok, naturally. Illegal cycling includes: cycling on the pavement; parking your bicycle by the ‘do not park your bicycle here’ signs; cycling without wearing a helmet; cycling carrying an umbrella. I happily join in with this legal lawbreaking (especially the one where you carry an umbrella at the same time. I am very clever at doing that now). Everyone’s bike has a basket. You’re not cool if you don’t have one, the bigger the better. Akin to driving, the elderly great grandmother of the slowest snail would zoom past the locals. No one is in a hurry, apparently. I am Flash Gordon, just call me Flash, or Iceman, or Lance.
17. Style. All women wear heels. I am still a giant. This is fine, BUT what drives me insane is that all their shoes need re-heeling, to the point where I think they may actually be walking on bare ground. What makes it all the more bizarre are the little lace socks they wear with their shoes. They don’t go. They look silly. As for male fashion, well the waistline is scarily reminiscent of a cross between the 70’s and Simon Cowell.
16. Sweat. Embrace it, drip it, wipe it, show it, smell it, wear it, lick it, like it, love it.
15. Food. What am I eating? I don’t know. After careful investigation I have discovered that I have tried: liver (raw and cooked), cartilage, raw horse, sea urchin, salmon eggs, sea cucumber, and goo. Some delicious, some wretched and can only come from parts of Satan you’re never supposed to lick. I’ll let you guess/try for yourself.
14. Etiquette and being on a train. If the train is brimming with people, yet you think there’s still a chance to push your way on, make sure you attack bum first. After bumming your way onto the train, make sure you are constantly occupied to avoid any awkward social interaction, or interaction of any kind with another human being. SO, go on your phone, or fall asleep. These are the only two options; if you fail to do so you’re clearly foreign. If you happen to choose sleep, then please feel fee to lean on the person next to you, they are a very handy prop and happy to oblige as long as they don’t have to say anything out loud. That would be improper, you see.
13. Karaoke. There really is very little to say except, ‘I see a little silhouetto of a man, Scaramouche.’
12. Mmmm’s and Aaaa’s. Never mind your p’s and q’s in everyday affairs, if you are talking, expect to be accompanied by a chorus of mmm’s, aaa’s and oooh’s. Constant and incessant, it really is a very good way to keep you on edge…more than you already are. Mmmm SHUT UP.
11. Everything is clean
10. The Japanese are efficient. If there was a prize for the biggest understatement, this statement would win the BAFTA, Golden Globe, and the Nobel Peace Prize of the understatement world.
9. Drinks. You think it’s apple juice. It’s not.
8. Picture menus DO NOT mean you’re about to enter slumsville Alabama. In fact, it’s more of a shock if there isn’t a picture menu. Thank god.
7. I love air conditioning
6. Mosquitoes love me
5. Slurping is NOT rude. I repeat, slurping is NOT rude. You’re not going to change my mind that quickly, I’m afraid.
4. Bowing. The stereotype of constant bowing is completely founded. I have witnessed goodbyes last for several minutes with innumerable bows. I am amazed that there are so few people with whiplash.
3. Age. The Japanese are either incredibly young, or incredibly old. There is no middle age. This can sometimes cause offence, especially in school. ‘Oh, you’re a teacher.’
2. Vending machines are anywhere and everywhere. I think they may be a distant relative of the Dalek and are slowly taking the world hostage.
1. I am now an incredible mime artist.
Now, these are only a select few of the vast array of differences between here in Nihon over there in Blighty, but they do make things fun. It’s just a shame that there isn’t any good cheese…
