Music make me a relaxant and a happy

The games we play…

Everyone has those moments when you’re sat there with nothing to do, needing something mindless to while away those precious spare minutes of nothingness. Introducing, the ‘stranger games.’ You know the ones I’m talking about. You stare at an unsuspecting stranger in your vicinity and map out their entire lives: their name, relationship status, career, suspected superhero alter ego etc. In Japan, these games can sometimes take an unexpected turn, and you find yourself asking questions you never thought you would.

11. Prostitute?

The obvious first question, really. Applies to both men and women, and actually proves more interesting when directed at the males. Hair orange and quiffed beyond quiffing, shoes pointier than a Head Pixie’s, and trousers tighter than if you’d managed to persuade a Sumo wrestler into a pair of size 8 leather trousers, these are the men who crowd outside train station entrances and exits. At first glance, one may be forgiven for mistaking these beings as overgrown, Oompa Loompas, hell-bent on rebelling against their idyllic chocolate-y world that we all know and love, but that would be a grave mistake indeed. Allow me to introduce the Japanese ‘host’, hired by Idon’tknowwho to show you a good time and make you feel worryingly special. As of yet, I haven’t succumbed to their beguiling charm, but we’ve still got 10 months to go…

10. Salary man?

Ask any man in a suit what they do, and they’ll reply ‘sarari man’ - roughly translated into ‘salary man.’ Part of me wonders how Japan survives and thrives in the commercial, economic and industrial worldwide market of today with so many ‘salary men’ on the go. I like to imagine that part of the conditions of being a ‘salary man’ requires the man in question to become a superhero of sorts; going off in the dead of night after a typical 9-5 day, tending to allotments, combatting crime, and handing out food to the homeless. I’m fairly sure it’s safe to say that this doesn’t happen…but imagine if it did.

9. Married?

This is a standard global ‘stranger games’ question. What makes it more interesting in Japan is that relationships and monogamy are approached with a slightly different attitude. You can consider yourself in a relationship with someone if you slightly brush your hand against theirs. By next week you’ll be married and your better half will be affair-ing left right and centre, with no qualms about discussing said affairs with the token foreigner at any work party. Awkward doesn’t quite cut it.

8. Student?

I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve fallen prey to mistaking grown adults for students. This leads nicely into no. 7…

7. Age?

I’ve honestly never been at such a loss as when I have to try and guess how old a Japanese person is. Literally no idea. I’ve guessed 24, and been told 37. I’ve guessed 60 and been told 75. I’ve guessed 8 and been told 14. See a pattern forming? I don’t know if it’s the unavoidable presence of seaweed or soybeans in every meal, the daily morning radio exercise regime which involves a surprising amount of squatting, or the silly and excessive covereverypartofskinwhenit’ssunny paraphernalia that they wear, but the Japanese look daymn good for their age. That is, they do, to a point. There seems to be this mysterious middle age, say between 30 and 60, where one will go from looking youthfully sublime and smooth skinned, to being gnarlier than a very gnarly old oak tree that someone decided to texture with some more gnarl. Yet, once you have graduated into gnarl-dom, once again it is impossible to guess age accurately.
So, I’ve given up.

Stranger: “How old am I?”
Me: “I dunno, 78?”
Stranger: “6…I’m a primary school student.”
Me: “Sorry about that.”

6. What kind of Asian?

CALM DOWN and put away your PC guns folks; this is a legitimate question that even JAPANESE people ask. So, before you judge me, just think about that and give it a go yourself. See, you didn’t know they were Taiwanese…DID YOU?! Yeh, now who’s smug?

5. Man or woman?

Another classic favourite, but especially awkward when it concerns your students, and when they’re in their sports kit. There’s a current trend for girls to cut their hair into a short choppy style. The only problem with this is that they then look exactly like boys. Asking their name doesn't help either, as I have no idea which are girl’s names and which are boy’s. So, I have to just play the foreigner card. Thank god I have the foreigner card to play, otherwise I’m sure I will have scarred many an adolescent in my comparatively short stay here. Bad teacher.

4. What are you doing on your phone?

Bored on a train journey? Do as the Japanese do, lean on the person next to you and fall asleep. Not sleepy? Fear not! Bringeth out one’s shiny machine of untapped entertainment and revellery. But what are they doing on their phone? Well, that’s the question…in question. Sometimes I do that really annoying thing of sneaking a look over my neighbour’s shoulder. Most of the time it’s incomprehensible to me, other times I’ve had the pleasure of glancing a sneaky vagina splayed across the screen.

3. Do you still live with your parents?

A worryingly common occurrence is that you find 45-year-old men and women still living with their parents, in the same room, doing the same thing they did 30 years ago, but perhaps with a bit more solitary weirdness, and none of the it’sokbecauseyour15-ness. This is down to a few factors: it’s bloody expensive to rent anywhere, the work ethic is so intensive that there is no time to socialise/have a life, and Japan’s rate of those who can be classed as officially a member of that oh so sought after membership in to club ‘Spinsters’R’Us’ increases every year. You can often tell who are the main stay at home culprits; just look for the sad lost look of desperation in their vacant eyes. But, remember to look away as soon as you make eye contact or weird conversations may follow.

2. Am I scaring you?

I’m usually the only Westerner on the train or in the shop. Heaven forbid that occasionally I may be accompanied by another Westerner: cue the stares. As many of you know, ‘shy’ hasn’t ever been an attribute that applies to me, and I’ve been described as ‘Loud Becca’ by a Japanese university student, following a very drunken football tournament after party. Get all us ‘gaijin’ (foreigners) together and we can potentially be quite an intimidating lot. A shame really, as I’m pretty sure I couldn’t intimidate a lethargic sloth even if I tried.

Time to get crazy in da house and move the game away from people to the hot topic of food…

1. Is that food?

Again, I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it really is a big deal out here. When we treat ourselves to a nice meal out to somewhere where the menu is only in Japanese, we play the ‘let’s point at something and see what we get’ game. I can honestly say that 50% of the time I cannot name what it is that I’m eating. Luckily most of the time it tastes dericous, however you can’t be lucky all the time…where’s that bucket?

Fancy some tripe sashimi?

If I drinked drug then, I would feel up now.

With the days getting shorter, and the weather deciding that sometimes it’ll give our sweat glands a break and cool us down a little with a typhoon, I’ve been taking myself and my future into hand. After one year in Japan, I’ve toyed with a few different career choices, and I feel it’s probably the perfect time to share them with you. Any feedback is more than welcome.

12. English teacher: Now this one seems obvious, as it’s what I am actually doing, right now, as an adult, in Japan. The only thing is, I’m not quite sure how many more students falling asleep in my class I can actually handle. Now, you’ll be thinking that I must be an incredibly boring teacher; not to blow my own trumpet, but I’m not, funnily enough, or am I? Teaching has its moments, for example, running in sports day, students declaring their love for me, and my recent personal favourite, all the students deciding that I look like Milla Jovovich. Those are all definite plus points, but only for a couple of years, dear friends, onwards and upwards.

11. Pub owner: Some of you may have heard tale of a jolly spiffing pub quiz that takes places in the inner reaches and darkest depths of Saitama. It has also been known to be said that post-quiz antics lead to memory loss and a karaoke induced rasping sore throat the next morning. I take full responsibility for all of the above. Yes, I am Master of the pub quiz; surely I’d be able to run a pub, non?

10. Canyoning Guide: One weekend in Gunma, slipping, sliding, jumping and flipping off waterfalls and I’ve decided that I could do it. Not just for fun, but I could also take responsibility for other people’s lives as they stumble through fast flowing, ice cold water…sure.

9. Diplomat / International Relations: This one is actually semi-serious. Plans are afoot to try and get onto an IR masters in Holland, so any advice, tips and general handy tit bits of knowledge would be more than appreciated. Arigatou.

8. Geisha / Maiko fan dancer: One of the very sporadically attended club activities that I grace with my presence at school. Initially I thought that I was oozing grace, elegance and poise as I whipped my fan round in an incredibly authentically Japanese fashion. Video playback revealed that actually I looked more akin to a potbelly pig posing as a swan. Needless to say, I shall not be pursuing this one any time soon.

7. University Interviewer: I don’t want to be a lecturer, professor, or anything like that, but recently I posed as a university entrance interviewer person at a local university. What could be more fun than putting (actually quite attractive) male peers under pressure? Not much, is the answer.

6. Singer: I always come back to this one, and repeated trips to karaoke leave it unabated. My time will come, one day, some day…probably not. But, I can crack out a good ‘And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIeeeIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, will always love yooooouuuu’ as well as the next person.

5. Pilot: Everyone’s considered it, come on, don’t lie. Next stop: Delusion city.

4. Professional cyclist: As I zoom past all my students, and that one really old crinkly looking chap that I always see, on my 10 minute cycle in to work every day, I’ve become utterly convinced that I could win the Tour De France.

3. Driving instructor: Everyone in Japan is a bad driver. FACT. I’ve rolled a car, dented my mother’s, taken 10 minutes to parallel park into a space big enough for a fleet of Boeing 747s, and attended a traffic light awareness course, and yet I could still teach folks out here a thing or two. You have to drive on the left, THE LEFT.

2. Professional footballer: Having taken part in not one, but two ‘All Japan ALT Football Tournaments,’ I think it’s pretty safe to say that I could dominate the world of women’s football. As a defender for the newly formed ‘Saitama Saiborgs,’ we placed a very respectable 4^th *cue cheers, whoops and claps* (out of 6 teams). I am currently planning the compulsory footballers unique haircut, wait for more details TBA.

1. Florist: As an avid member of the ‘furawaa arenjimento curabbu’ – flowering arranging club, to you and me, I could most definitely deck the halls with boughs of holly and falalala any other event that needed some square shape, spray shape, or triangular shape arrangements. I’m in correspondence with Pippa Middleton about writing a new book that will ever so elegantly infuse our skills so that you lucky chaps at home can organise the most stylish of parties, with the most jaw-dropping of arrangements. Yet another TBA to keep your eye out for.

So, where does that leave us? I’ve got no idea…HELP ME!